As the World Turns (for the Grammers)

We face yet another adjustment in our journey today.  We thought Laura would be having a blood transfusion today but her counts still haven’t dropped from this round of chemo so she will be leaving the doctor’s office early.  Her counts will probably drop next week.

However, my sickness has grown worse and Micah started the day with a fever, headache and coughing.  Laura asked the doctor if it would be better to not be around Micah and I and he said that would be a good idea.  So Laura is going to be staying with her parents for a couple of days.  That’s frustrating being separated especially because tomorrow is Micah’s birthday.  Please pray for us, that Micah and I would heal quickly.  Pray also for Micah’s heart, that he would know our love for him and God’s love for him during a birthday that won’t be what he would like.

A bright spot: who knows if the snow will bring a day off of school tomorrow!  Maybe?!

Brad

Home and Recovering

Laura came home a little earlier after this last round of chemo which was very nice to see.  So far she has felt very tired and a bit sick to her stomach as well as breaking out in a skin rash on her hands, which is normal for one of the chemo drugs she receives.  She is a trooper and is pushing through the discomfort that racks her body.  I’ve been battling a minor cold so that has exacerbated things because I can’t really be around her much while she is neutropenic (very low in blood cell counts).  I wear a mask when I’m in the same room with her.  The boys have been doing well health-wise so I’m glad they aren’t battling sickness at this time.

We heard some sad news yesterday that a young man who has been attending our congregation off and on for the past year was killed in a car accident Monday night.  My heart aches for his girlfriend and the children he leaves behind.  He was such a troubled young man and to see his life end before having a good chance to work on his brokenness saddens me greatly.  I also found out that the offering from our Sunday night service is missing and could have been stolen.  We have yet to see how this will turn out.  Yet another reminder of the reality of life, how it can end so quickly by any situation and how circumstances constantly create challenges.

It’s definitely moments like these days for us and friends who are in pain that sift out some of the thinking in me that is temporary and, when it comes right down to it, really not that important.  I’ve been preaching through Luke this past year and new year.  I’m in chapter 12 and verses 33-34 comes to mind.  Jesus says, “Sell what you have and give to those in need.  This will store up treasure for you in heaven!  And the purses of heaven have no holes in them.  Your treasure will be safe — no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it.  Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will be also.”  I think of how often I focus on the here and now, what we will eat and what we will wear which Jesus said in the previous verses that we don’t need to spend any time worrying about because He will take care of those things for us.  However He states the reality that “these things dominate the thoughts of most people.”  I confess sometimes these thoughts have dominated my thoughts as well.  But I don’t feel the need to store up treasures in heaven because God will ‘get me’ or be disappointed in me if I don’t do it.  My heart desires to love Jesus because of what He has done for me by dying on the cross and by freeing me from having to worry about things in life.  My hope is that as we continue through these days of leukemia and chemo, we can continue to let go of the temporary thinking that doesn’t need to dominate our thinking and that we can focus on storing up treasures in heaven because we love Him and love people.  Pray for us that we can continue to let go of control over our lives and truly trust Jesus and learn more about the rest and peace He offers while we are here on earth.

Love,

Brad

Round 4

This is Laura’s 3rd day in the hospital with round 4.  She has been feeling icky off and on through this treatment.  However, when she was speaking with the doctor yesterday, he mentioned that she was doing very well.  He said that many patients feel horrible for 24 hours a day while getting this treatment.  So that helped put things in perspective.

We had a difficult week emotionally last week.  For me, I realized that I’ve been carrying around this level of stress that I’m ignorant of because I’m just running on adrenaline.  I don’t mean to be this way but it just seems to happen.  I feel like I’m asking people to help out with quite a few things.  For example, I haven’t cleaned my home since the last week of December because some awesome parents from the Oaks Academy have been cleaning for us.  So many of you have already fixed meals for us and I can’t even remember the last time I fixed a meal.  Some super friends ironed my shirts for me and several of you have been giving rides to both Laura and the boys.  Other blessings: great friends bought us an oven, other friends have sent money, one church just gave us a large check to help with expenses, a good friend from my congregation arranged for me to get new glasses (since I lost my bifocals — brilliant Brad!) for nothing, and the list goes on.  I feel like I’ve been doing fairly well at communicating my needs.   So what’s the deal?

Perhaps what’s been going on is that I’ve been carrying around emotional stress that only I can make a decision on.  I’ve been going to counseling to stay connected with what’s going on in my heart and to learn how to help us all get through this as a family in as healthy of a way as we can.  But there are still times that the emotional ache can only be handled by aching.  There are times when feelings of loneliness crop up that I just have to feel these emotions and learn how to walk through them.  And there is so more going on in our lives than our own pain.  We are trying to stay close to the pain of our friends as well.  I know they don’t expect that from us but it helps us to feel normal to know how our friends are doing and not lose relationship with them, which also means knowing their pain as well.

So I’m concluding that for as much as people are doing, it really does reduce the stress and difficulties.  I would probably be dead without all of you helping out.  But there is still emotional pain that has to be carried by myself and how I deal with pain can either exacerbate what everyone normally goes through or help me deal with it better.  So I’m learning how I deal with it well and when I deal with it not so well.  Last week was not so well. :)  So your prayers mean a lot to us since there are times your prayers are carrying us even though we still have to feel the pain of life.  No one can take that fully away even though I know some of you would do that as well if you could.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  Thank you for your continued love.  Laura will hopefully come home Tuesday so pray that she can avoid an infection and that she will be strengthened emotionally during this time.

Brad

Moving Forward

Brad has just left for work, and I thought I should post an entry on our blog. I haven’t yet posted (since I am feeling ill) mostly due to the fact that I don’t like to write things that are going to be seen on the internet. It is weird for me to have my words heading out into a great unknown cyberspace. I am gad that Brad enjoys keeping you all updated.

Right now I am hunched in front of the computer with candles around me. We have not lost electrical power here on Guilford in Indianapolis - it helps generate a little bit of heat in the office where we keep the computer. In this cold weather I can’t stand to be in the office for more than 10 minutes without an additional heat source. This is one side effect of having no hair. I love the quick styling and low cost for shampoo that I am enjoying, but NO insulation on the head during the winter has given me pause to miss the hair.

Four days with no visit to a doctor or hospital felt like an eternity. Of course, I was in the house for almost all of the time which I think made the time move very slowly. There were some fun moments such as family game time and family movie night, but I am still getting used to not participating as much in the boys’ weekend activities. Noah has joined a futsal team with the members of his spring travel soccer team, and I haven’t seen him play yet. He has only played two games, but I am mourning the projection that I won’t see many this spring. I also miss all of the great times I had chatting with other fencing parents at the JCC on Thursday and Saturdays. Brad (along with family and friends) have been so good at making sure Micah and Noah are still getting to these things.

I have been home from the hospital for 16 days! A new record in this journey. The doctor commented today on how back to normal I seemed and what good color I had. I reminded him about the wonders of make-up. He laughed. I do feel good and my counts are what they should be for anyone without leukemia. That means it is time for round number 4. This is my 2nd round of Part B of the two different chemotherapy treatments I receive. These drugs didn’t make me sick to my stomach last time, but I did end up back in the hospital for 7 days with an infection. Each treatment is an adventure with how my body will respond.

The doctor let us decide when to go to the hospital this week. It was strange sitting there having him say “When do want to go in?” I felt like yelling “What do you mean? I don’t ever want to go in! Do I have a choice? Let’s just get this over with. How about right NOW!” The doctor suggested Saturday, Brad and I after some hemming and hawing decided on Friday. Might as well get it over with. When I finish with this treatment, the chemotherapy treatments will be half over (if everything goes as planned). It still seems like a long time away.

Right now I plan to be in  the hospital from Friday through Monday - recovering at home next week and making the daily 16 mile trips to the doctor’s office in Carmel for shots and blood draws. I am praying for a good attitude and courage to face whatever comes over the next weeks. The trips back and forth to Methodist are hard for Brad and the boys (but what part of this whole thing is not?), and I miss being at home with them.

Thanks to all of you who have brought meals, sent cards, called, driven me to the doctor, etc. It is very encouraging to us. Dealing with loneliness is part of the process, but it is easier to see God’s love for us through you all.

Hoping for warmer days,

Laura

Thankful for a Great Week

I tried to get on the blog last night but something prevented from being able to do so.  However, I’m glad I didn’t because I was able to get some more good information today to add to our week.

Laura has felt very good for the past 3 or 4 days.  She had a blood transfusion on Monday which helped boost her energy level.  She also has been taken decadron for the past few days which is a steroid to counter the effects of chemo.  Because decadron is a steroid, it functions as a stimulant so it adds to Laura’s energy level.  So Laura has felt good and been in good spirits.

Today she had a blood draw and the white blood cell count was 43,000.  Laura and I were first nervous thinking this was the leukemia acting up again.  The doctor said that it was nothing to be concerned about.  He said they basically overshot with the combination of neupogen shots and the effects of the decadron.  It boosts the white blood cell count exponentially.  Neutrophyl are the good white blood cells and 95% of those 43,000 are good white blood cells so this is good.  Her platelettes are still low so the doctor won’t admit her to the hospital for round 4 of chemo until next Tuesday or Wednesday.  So we have four days chemo-free and free from the full effects of the chemo.  We are grateful for a nice respite.  And for Laura to be home for over 11 days has been awesome.  We are both feeling more encouraged about the process.  I know there will be more dark days ahead but it is sure nice to have a few good days in the midst of these 8 months.

Thank you as always for praying so faithfully, blessing us with great meals, cleaning our home, providing transportation to and from doctor visits, repairing our home and the myriad of other tasks that we have been blessed by all of you.  You are all awesome and a great blessing to us!

Love,

Brad (for Laura and the boys)

God’s Love Uniquely Expressed

Thank you all for praying for me.  I think Laura and I are feeling less low today.  I am grateful for friends and family I can be honest with and go through this journey without having to live in non-reality and that is an encouragment.

I wanted to share a story of how I believe God showed His love for me uniquely.  On Thursday night, I was starting to head up to northern Indianapolis to pick up Micah from fencing around 8pm.  Micah called frantically urging me to come quickly because he was feeling like he was going to throw up.  My day was exhausting emotionally and physically and it was the last straw that broke the camels back that day.  In my wonderful parental patience, I responded, “Well throw up and get it over with, then pack up and meet me out front.”  I hope you’re all taking notes from me for my great parenting skills.

After I got off of the phone, I was yelling at God why it’s so difficult to go through hard times in life.  I yelled how I want to feel Him and not just know intellectually that He loves me.  I stressed how this is how most people feel and how we most need to feel Him during trying times.  Well, Micah turned out to be fine and did not throw up.  We made it home and all of us went to bed and had a very sound sleep all the way through the night which was a first for all of us in a couple of weeks.

Then the next day, Laura was feeling fairly well and decided she would be up for a Starbucks drink (vanilla bean frappucino, awesome!).  She hadn’t had a drink in weeks so this was a real treat, AND thanks to many of you who have given us Starbucks gift cards, it was free.  While I was waiting to order at Starbucks, I noticed a CD on the music rack off to the side.  One in particular caught my eye — 50 Grammy music hits!  I love these kind of compilation CD’s and looked it over loving the songs I was seeing.  It was a double disc and I put it back knowing I couldn’t afford it right now.

I take our drinks home and sit and talk with Laura for a few minutes.  All of a sudden, a friend dropped by and came in.  He said he has just been to Starbucks and bought this CD and thought, “I wonder who would enjoy this CD.  It’s got to be Brad.”  So he brought the very CD I had just been lusting after moments before.  This may sound hokey to others but for me, this was God’s way of reminding me He knows me and He’s still there.  He revealed it in a way that touched my heart and sent me reeling.  Anyway, I just had to share one of these awesome moments in our lives.  I have just been lamented about how miserable I feel and I want you to know that God has been showing His love to us all along in the midst of darkness even.  It’s a strange time for me to see His love and feel darkness at the same time but that’s where I’ve been.

Thanks for letting me share this with you.  And thank you to my friend!  You don’t know how much you encouraged me Friday!

Love,

Brad

I Need More Strength

This week has certainly not been one of our weeks where we have a stiff upper lip and can face what lies ahead.  Some thoughts were, “Oh my gosh, we have five more rounds of this?”; “I’m so tired my body aches all over”; and “The weather is awfully depressing today.”  There are moments when I’m (Brad) able to think the right thoughts and hold onto Scriptures that encourage me.  And then there are other weeks where all of those right thoughts are lost in the back of my mind somewhere; preparing my sermon seems like rocket science; and having words of encouragement for others in their struggles come out of my mouth like “Um, wow, uh . . . “  This was one of the latter weeks.

I realize sometimes we need prayers for health and physical strength, and sometimes we need prayers for emotional and mental strength.  This week I’ve been very vulnerable to lies and have not done well fighting them off.  So feel free to remind me of a few truths like you all are still here with us, and you’re going to walk with us through all of the 8 months of treatment.  I’m too worn out to write any more.  Thank you for your love.

Brad

A Teaching Moment

I’m going to take a break from telling you how we’re doing and share something that’s been on my heart.  Typically, people aren’t sure what to say and do for someone who is going through a hard time.  Friends and family want to be a support but aren’t sure how often to call, e-mail or send a card.  Many I’ve spoken with have given feedback that they would have liked to call or e-mail more but didn’t want to be a bother or make things more stressful for me by having too many calls to return or e-mails to respond to.  I’d like to help guide you and put that confusion to rest.

When someone is in pain, going through a difficult time, the best way to respond is to call, e-mail and send cards.  If you’re going to err in any direction, err on the side of communicating too much.  For Laura and I, one of the painful aspects of battling leukemia is that it has isolated us relationally as well.  So many friends wanting to visit are unable to because she is very vulnerable to infection during her low blood count days.  We are isolated from church events and church services as a family, we are prevented from having as many dinners with friends like we used to, and we are isolated from casual conversations in running into people each day.   So err on the side of communicating too much.

One of the reasons I believe people usually err on the side of not communicating enough is that they are afraid of making a mistake in the friendship by causing irritation to the loved one who is hurting.  My encouragement is to feel free to make a mistake.  The hope is that there is grace extended in friendship so that when errors are made, forgiveness quickly follows.  So feel free to make mistakes and learn from them.  Each person who goes through pain responds differently.  Some people want more relational connection, others withdraw more.  In either instance, feel free to err on the side of communicating too much.  You can work it out with your friend or family member what works best for them.

I hope this helps.  And I also hope you feel free to make a mistake with us.  The chances of that are very minimal.  So far no one has failed in communicating too much.  And I actually think I’ve been guilty of not staying in touch as well as I’d like.  I know that no one expects that of me but I know my friends miss me when I don’t call as much.  I need reminders to not be so self-absorbed in my own problems that I forget people love me and need to stay connected with me.  So I will do my part, ask forgiveness when I’m too withdrawn, and help you figure out how to do this relationship stuff with us while we are learning how to live life differently.  Thanks for being patient with us in this journey.

Love,

Brad (and Laura too)

Nausea Blues

The last couple of days have been difficult.  Even though the doctor has tried some new meds on Laura for nausea called Emend, the nausea still seems quite overwhelming.  It’s a trick to figure out how much to eat, how much not to eat, what to eat, how much to drink, etc.  Pray for strength for Laura to endure the horrible nausea and for wisdom to get the dietary issues figured out that help her most and get her good nutrition.

In having lunch with a friend today, I realized that both Laura and I are at vulnerable moments these days.  Even though God has been very good to us, blessing us with such great friends and having so many needs met, one thing I still struggle with is believing what’s true.  When nights come around, it’s sometimes difficult to get rid of that feeling of being alone in this struggle with leukemia.  I know we are with so many but that feeling still comes at times.  Then I fall prey to the question of how I can possibly continue to pastor during this time.  Part of the reason for this is probably unrealistic expectations that I need to be something I’m not.  My hope is that as we continue this journey, we could let go of unrealistic expectations and not be easy prey to the lies in our minds of how we think we “should” be or how things “should” go.  Pray for protection of our thoughts and that God would defend us from the enemy and his attempts to distract us with fearful thoughts.  I’m feeling fairly good tonight and don’t feel that weight but I know it’s not always that way and want you to know specifically how you can pray for us.

Thank you as always!  You are all awesome!

Brad

We’re Home Again!

Yeah!  Laura came home today at 3pm.  Her stay at the hospital went very well.  We are so grateful for the great nurses that helped her feel comfortable and at peace while she was there.  I didn’t stay any of the nights like I’ve done in previous stays so it was encouraging to know that I could entrust Laura to some great nurses throughout each night.

The boys and I spent the day at the hospital until Laura was released.  They actually did get her port to work in terms of drawing blood but they had to practically hang her by her feet to get it.  Fun experience but we’re glad that at least it’s still working.  So now comes the fun part of waiting to see how nauseas she’ll feel in the morning and when her blood counts will drop.  She’ll go in each day for neupogen shots to help facilitate and boost white blood cell production.  She hasn’t dropped yet but the doctor said that they find that the drop in blood cell counts don’t last as long usually when patients receive neupogen shots each day.  So we’ll make the trek back up to the “resort” each day.

Laura is receiving some new medication that’s supposed to help prevent the nausea from being so severe so we would appreciate prayers that this would help a lot.  We would also appreciate prayers for no infection to develop.  We’ve been through this before but would just like to avoid it as much as we can.  Thanks again for journeying with us.  We so appreciate all of the love that’s been lavished upon us.  We love you!

Brad