Day #6

The last couple of days have been difficult for Laura physically.  She’s still battling diarrhea and the doctor’s not sure why she has so much problems with it.  It’s normal but not for the amount Laura is experiencing.  So we could use prayers about this issue.  Her white blood cells are down to zero now so she is very vulnerable to infection.  Most likely she’ll be going to the hospital this week but we hope she can stay home as much as possible.

Emotionally Laura and I are both worn out.  I think I hit my angry phase on Sunday.  It took everything in me to just go to church and then while I was there I felt like screaming.  Fortunately no one experienced the brunt of my wrath.  I left church and spent time talking with a couple of friends which helped tremendously.  Laura wakes up crying saying she can’t do it.  I know how that feels.  I feel the same way these days.  With both of us going through constant pain, uncertainty, unpredictability, surprises with treatments, etc, etc, etc for six months, we’re just all worn out from always fighting, always trying to have a stiff upper lip.  As my friends reminded me on Sunday night, it’s all right not to have a stiff upper lip.

I have thought about this recently.  I know people don’t expect us to always have a good attitude but I wonder if this is really true.  When I do have a moment of expressing frustrations, it’s hard to get the blank stares as if no one really knows what to say.  Sometimes no one calls us for days and I wonder if this is a sign that it’s expected of us to handle this well.  I’m not sharing this to guilt-trip anyone but just to be honest.  Part of my desire is to share this so you understand better what goes on, to be a teaching moment.  I think it can be better communicated that Laura and I aren’t expected to handle this perfectly by calling or emailing and just saying we are on your minds and that you’ll listen for the moment.

Many of you do ask when I bump into you personally but when I’m out of commission for a while because I’m spending time at the hospital or more time at home, the silence can be painful.  Laura often doesn’t notice because she’s feeling too icky to know what’s going on.  I guess I feel it more because I carry the load emotionally for the family right now.  I know many of you want to say something but aren’t sure what to say.  At that moment, you can ask me and I’ll teach you about me and Laura and what to say.  Sometimes I don’t know what to say myself and so I’ll share that.  I think it’s better to try to talk in awkwardness than to wallow in silence.  I don’t think it feels comfortable for either one of us to be silent.  Perhaps learning together how to talk through pain and difficult moments is a learning process and we can give each other grace going through it.

Having said all of that, so many of you have done wonderfully at loving through tangible ways of giving time and gifts.  We couldn’t make it this far without you.  We are just going through a difficult time emotionally and hugs and words would help during this time.

Love,

Brad